Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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