Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
