**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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