At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
