textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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