Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
