so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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