I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
