Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize