Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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