I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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