he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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