Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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