The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
She made me pour olive oil on her.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
