Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
