If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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