I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
