i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
