Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize