I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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