Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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