If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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