it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
