I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
