I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
