I wanna bring you to show and tell
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
