You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize