I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
