I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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