Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize