i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
