I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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