I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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