i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
high people should be assigned attendants
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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