i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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