So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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