The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
