this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
