I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize