OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
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