I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
