Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
