recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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