At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
