Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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