Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
