shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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