Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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