I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
