I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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