i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
