you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
