It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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