You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
