He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
