I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
