He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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