Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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