You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize