I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I am spending my child support on dildos
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
