I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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