yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
