For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
